Dear Steven Bywater, you’re a “C U N T”

14 October, 2007 in General idiocy, footie

I switched Sky Sports on this morning for my weekly football-related hangover cure and to my absolute horror I found that my beloved MILF, Claire Tomlinson, had been replaced by some non-descript, pretty boy.

Determined to find out why the morning of stroking my erection that I’d been expecting had been so cruelly taken away, I did some Googling. It turns out that she’s been given a leave of absence because you, Steven Bywater, decided that because you couldn’t say the word ‘cunt’ at 11 o’clock on a Sunday morning, you would just have to spell it out.

You thick cunt.

I know footballers aren’t exactly renowned for their intellectual prowess but fuck me, Bywater, does your mother still tie your shoelaces for you? You have set a new low for footballer idiocy. At least Ron Atkinson had the excuse of thinking he was off-air. You just sat there on live TV, got asked a question and thought “I can’t think of a replacement for the word ‘cunt’ so I’ll spell it out, I’m a fucking genius”. Bravo, you braindead twat, fucking bravo.

So you’ve lost a woman her job. Hope you’re proud of yourself. The only right and decent thing for you to do is eat your appearance fee. Get down the NatWest, ask for it in pound coins and eat every fucking one. You could probably still play for Derby County. I can’t see it damaging your performance at all. How many have you let in this season again? 22 in 9 games? That’s four more than Reading and they just let in 7, you talentless fuck.

To the people at Sky Sports – Please let Claire Tomlinson back on Goals on Sunday. She cannot possibly be held responsible for this. No-one could reasonably expect Steven Bywater to be so astonishingly stupid. If this is not possible then Di Stewart will probably be equally effective at getting me through my hangover horn.

To those who don’t know who Steven Bywater is – Unfortunately there’s no footage on Youtube of this dazzling display of fuckwittery but thankfully this isn’t the first time he’s made a cunt of himself on TV. Here he is after Derby won the play-off final.

What a cunt.